Financial cheating is common and one of the destroyers of relationships. Apparently, one-third of people in relationships with joint accounts report lying in some way to their partner about finances. This may cause quarrels, separations, or even divorce. Financial challenges in relationships have become so rampant that researchers have termed them “sexually transmitted debt.”
Financial cheating can be large or small, and it can involve spending and saving. At times it could be lying about a purchase, or it could mean having a small stash of cash. However, these issues can quickly grow, become huge debts or massive savings accounts. When such issues expose themselves, it’s usually the breach of trust that is the most damaging.
Money taboo
One of the greater reasons couples cheat financially is that most of them don’t talk about money. They will always argue about money but hardly talk about it. Some researchers have concluded that couples find it much harder to discuss money than sex. In fact, only 25% of couples actually track how they spend their money and plan their finances together. Couples usually fall into their money management practices without thoughtful consideration or discussion.
Failure to watch how you spend gives each party more reasons to cheat. We are only human, and cheating can be a temptation that is hard to resist when given a chance. Keeping an eye on the bottom line is always the best way to help each other stay accountable and honest.
Justification
Lying and cheating are often inconsistent with the positive image people have over themselves. So if anyone thinks of lying, they will always come up with valid reasons. Perhaps the person spends a little more as compensation for not being given enough attention. Couples usually feel they should have extra savings account because their partners are untrustworthy.
Studies have shown that individuals find it easier to justify lying and cheating in strenuous situations. For instance, it would be easier for teachers to give their best students higher grades in an English essay because it is so subjective instead of a math quiz where there are clear correct answers. Relationships are very ambiguous naturally. They are always filled with misunderstandings, and mostly both parties of a couple feel they give more than they get back. Financial cheating may be a way of getting back what they think they deserve.
Power
Couples can cheat financially as a way of punishing each other as well. I met one couple who would get into heated arguments frequently. In one instance, the husband left in the middle of an argument and bought an SUV. This meant asserting power and domination in the relationship.
Personal issues
At times, financial cheating may be because of a specific personal issue. Addiction in gambling is an excellent example of this. A gambler addict will always lie about money.
Each person in a relationship has their own views and feelings about money and how it should be spent. Some people are spendthrifts while others are savers, others are risk-takers and others like steady growth. Some really feel the power money brings, and others accept it as a form of love. Sadly, these issues are always misunderstood because couples rarely talk about money in meaningful ways.
Overcoming financial cheating
The two significant ways to fight financial cheating are discussing finances as a couple and monitoring how you spend your money. The actual system you develop to manage your finances is less important than ensuring you have a system that satisfies both of you.
If it concerns you that your partner is cheating financially, the primary thing to look for is inconsistency. Does how they behave match what they are saying? Check any of these signs – avoids talking about money for no valid reason, insists on managing finances alone for no reason, and overspending with no financial consequence. Other warning signs include a sudden behaviour change, lying to others about money, parents with unending issues about money, and signs of covering their tracks – like an empty browser history.
Finding out your partner is cheating in finances can be overwhelming. In some ways, it can be challenging to cope with than sexual cheating because you may now be having a significant debt that is a constant reminder of the lie. Moving forward from this type of betrayal can take a lot of time and energy, but there is hope. Couples can be very resilient and can achieve a new intimacy and trust with some hard work and the help of a trained therapist.