Stages of Recovery after Adultery

Healing from adultery can be challenging, and relationships often go through several challenges in finding solutions. The best way to recover from infidelity is a “one step at a time” approach.  Although adultery is prevalent than most would think, it’s refreshing to know that the majority do not divorce. So, how do couples recover from infidelity?

Commitment

The first step is the commitment to working on the relationship from both parties. Most affairs are not intended to end the relationship, but a small percentage of infidelities are “exit affairs” which are done as a way out from a relationship.  The unfaithful partner is usually still committed, at least to some extent, to work on the relationship. Part of this commitment is stopping the affair.

Safety

The second step is ensuring that each person is safe. It’s essential to ensure no physical or emotional abuse or any sexually transmitted disease is present in the relationship. Ensuring that each party is emotionally healthy is vital to ensure they are adequately in good health to handle this process. If not, it may be crucial to seek individual counselling first.

Knowing the details

It’s common for the partner not involved in the affair not to want to know anything about the matter. This need to know is natural and needs to be validated. In some cases, however, this need to know can be an obstacle preventing the couple from moving forward.

One way to help a couple manage this is to have a session or two to ask questions and get answers.  Before having this session, the betrayed partner should prepare a complete list of questions they would want answers for,  and the other partner should commit to a full confession. They should also agree that the issue should be closed after the question and answer session, and no more interrogation should take place over the matter. This can be a complex and challenging process that will require preparation and extra support after the confession from both parties.

Releasing anger

Overcoming Anger and resentment can be challenging for the betrayed partner. There is a massive loss after infidelity in relationships, from loss of trust to loss of couples’ image in a relationship. Allowing anger out and letting the idea of forgiveness in can be very challenging.

Understanding the consequences of anger and processing the results of forgiveness can be helpful in these circumstances. It is also beneficial for couples to go through a thoughtfully planned ritual to help them let go of anger. For instance, one betrayed partner smashes the CDs gifted to her husband by a mistress. She leaves the pieces of the CDs on the garage floor.  As part of the ritual, the husband would clean up one piece every day. He would then present the piece to her, and she would decide whether to let him throw it out. This was particularly meaningful because he was an elegant person and would usually be pushing her to be tidier. She found that once all of the pieces were gone, her anger had immensely reduced.

Showing commitment

Each member in a relationship should show commitment to the relationship regularly. Couples must check whether their daily actions towards each other are showing commitment and affection. Sometimes it’s also helpful to have a larger display of commitment. Some couples choose to renew their vows, although others feel this is are false words since they didn’t seem to work the first time.

Couples can regularly find different ways to renew the commitment that is unique to them. For instance, in one particular relationship, a man took his mistress up to the family cabin. This was a betrayal that was the most difficult. To show commitment, he spent most of the weekends repairing and re-painting the cabin. In the end, each member of the relationship worked at this, and it became a symbol of a new beginning for their relationship.

Rebuilding trust

Trust is primarily built through small trust encounters. This usually requires vulnerability in some way, and then noticing your partner deserves your trust. For a couple going through betrayal, it’s essential to figure out the different ways they can be vulnerable to each other. There’s the need to start small with the level of vulnerability and then grow as you earn trust.

One of the ways a couple can exercise vulnerability is by starting a joint financial account and increase the amount they contribute gradually. Another example is giving each other a chance to travel alone. One way couples can gain trust is by developing “trusting practices.” These are ways a partner can follow through consistently with expectations. For example, at certain times, a woman can agree to call home while travelling alone. This is not to investigate the other partner. Instead, it’s a way to show they are following through. These types of activities can gradually build trust over time.

Rebuilding the relationship

It’s possible to start working on a relationship once these other pieces have been put in place, at least to some degree. This may mean working on intimacy, communication, money, etc. This is essential for a couple to feel good about their relationship and to help prevent their relationship from breaking down in future.

It can be hard to rebuild a relationship after infidelity, but it’s possible to have a meaningful and fulfilling relationship once again. Of course, every couples’ journey after a betrayal is different, but this outlines some of the significant difficulties couples face in their journey to recovery. These kinds of events change relationships, and it can be difficult to grieve the loss of what once was.  It’s important to remember relationships can be established and developed by hardships. In many ways, your relationship may end up being better than it ever was before.

By Dr. Syras Derksen
Psychologist, Winnipeg MB

Reference
Winek, J. L., & Craven, P. A. (2003). Healing rituals for couples recovering from adultery. Contemporary Family Therapy, 25, 249-266,